Its December 31st the last day of the year. I just came from the bedroom where I was checking on my husband because it’s 10:15 a.m. in the morning and he hasn't stirred in at least an hour, I just wanted to make sure he's still breathing. Anymore I’m always worried I’m going to find him dead...good news is he is still breathing.
After ensuring that he was okay I went outside with the dogs and the make my entry into this blog (through my phone's voice recognition). The dogs are so excited about going out they make such a ruckus which I'm sure will wake him up so I'm guessing by the time I get back into the house he'll be sitting in his chair ready to start his day in his 90 year old man mode.
I drank last night and tonight will be my last night before my resolution begins. I expected I would get on Second Life after I had a good buzz but I didn’t. Maybe I'll get on it tonight. If I keep to my resolution this will be my last night of drinking until May. I'm actually getting very nervous about the thought of going without the alcohol for all that time. Like I’ve repeated many times I don't drink during the week or rather I should say “workdays” (I will drink during the week if I have the next day off. One of the treats of having a day off.) I feel like I've given the impression that I’m drinking all the time especially lately with it being the holiday season and being off work for so many days. Sadly I have been drinking everyday that I've been off and in fact my drinking has escalated. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve done or planned my self impose prohibition, but this time I just feel something different, like my addiction may have gone to a point beyond the ability to stop during my off days. I know this is a bad way to start a New Year’s resolution, expecting failure, but this time I just don’t feel like I'm not going to make it. The last 4 or 5 times I went through this process I had confidence but since I feel things are different now I’m actually anxious about the notion of stopping, or going all that time without a drink. I have to admit despite everything I enjoy getting drunk.
With all the problems I’ve been having (I should say “we” because my husband and I are experiencing these together, just not at the same time thank goodness) these terrible panic attacks have returned to become almost a daily part of my life. When I was younger, I used to self-medicate, which is probably when my drinking issues really began. A person tends to self-medicate when they have no way of getting assistance from a doctor and are forced to handle the anxiety alone and in my case it was by getting drunk (I don't do drugs - just drinking) enough until the feelings pass. When I first started having the attacks it was the 1980's and they really didn't even have a term for the condition yet. "Panic Disorder" wasn't a real diagnosis yet, neither were "Anxiety Attacks" they generally just said "You are anxious". If I went to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack they would almost mock me because of my youth, the question they would always ask is if I had smoked any pot prior to the anxiety because of the paranoia effect that drug has on people and of course I would say no. (Although I occasionally still did smoke it at that time, I usually couldn't afford it and being illegal I didn't have any sources so it was generally through my friends that I was "treated" to a joint now and then). After the doctors would examine me they would give me a valium and through big wide grins when all was finished tell me to go home, saying I was healthy and to return when I reach my 60's. They didn't take me serious and usually within the next day or two I would have another attack so rather than go through the mockery of some doctor's poor humor or spend the hours waiting in the ER I would just drink, and at that time I was young enough that I could handle a hangover and still make it to work the next day. Those days are gone. Today in a night I can really go through some booze, almost a fifth before stumbling to bed so if I were to drink like that on a work day I would never make it in the next day. Luckily my panic attacks stopped in my 30's and I made it wall the way through my 40's without any other than a mild one here and there. But now in my 50's they've returned full force.
Because my blood pressure has been high I've been on these beta blockers (which I haven't been taking religiously) and according to the doctor lowers the pulse rate so the pills themselves have a calming effect. I have also been taking Xanax as well but the doctor has only given me a short supply. He wanted to give me enough to help me avoid having a repeat incident like I had at work when I had an attack in a conference room full of people during a meeting. I mentioned in a previous post that the paramedics had to be called and due to my high pressure and pulse rate wanted to take me to the hospital. My doctor said he could empathize with me the embarrassment of such an occurrence happening, having an anxiety in front of your co-workers in a conference room setting at my company’s corporate offices.
Without alcohol I won’t be able to self medicate and because I'm having anxiety attacks again I'm just worried as hell. What if I can’t stop drinking because I’m afraid that I won’t have that crutch to get me through an anxious moment? In addition to my drinking restrictions (or prohibition) every year I go back into my daily workout routine and I usually maintain these on a regular basis for almost as long as I’m not drinking (I hate to say this but the alcohol makes me lazy on the weekends, I just want to get straight to drinking and who needs all that physical activity getting in the way. During the week day when I’m not allowed to drink I'm much lazier than during my dry periods and usually will just come home from work and go to bed after dinner. Now without the alcohol I’m sure at the first feeling of discomfort, the first feeling of pressure or pain in or near my chest, or a pain in my left arm will be all I will need to end any notion of working out for that day.
Hopefully without the drink to comfort me the Xanax will work, but the problem is the doctor hasn’t even prescribed a daily dosage, he has prescribed only 20 pills to last the month (I think he was anticipating me taking these at work only so only prescribed enough for my workdays. When I go back to the doctor I’m going to see if he can prescribe me at least the 30 days worth to get me through the month. It’s getting to the point that I’m beginning to rely on these pills the moment I start to feel anxious. I think I'm going to have to probably go back to a psychiatrist again, I have a feeling it’s going to be “Prozac” time again, or more precisely “Celexa” (I think it’s spelled right, Prozac never really seemed to work too well but Celexa tackled the panic and the social anxieties very well).
I can't afford to be 53 years old to become an alcoholic. When I say "afford" I don't mean financially, I mean emotionally and physically, just the impact of the liquor on my life in general. I can’t become one of those homeless drunks aimlessly walking the streets. I have my dogs that need me, I have responsibilities, I have a very OLD "62" year old husband to care for. I'm all alone, I have no support system, I have to be strong enough to tackle this and any problem on my own. My husband is probably going to die soon and I say that based on looking at the number of heart attacks and congestive heart failure incidents we have gone through this past year alone. Now he is diabetic and anemic to boot. So when I say soon, I mean sooner rather than later, I don't mean tomorrow, but I have a feeling within the next few years. He is so old mentally he’s already living life as if he were a 90 years old man in a 62 year old body; he's going to let himself die.
I on the other hand have a dog with at least three or four years left (my female is old enough and starting to slow down, my guess is another year for her) I need to make sure I'm here at least to the end of my youngest dog’s life. I do have a cat that is about 12 years old now but I'm less worried about her as pretty self-sufficient. She’s standoffish and doesn’t trust strangers at all. She is in an indoor/outdoor cat with her own little cat window so she can come and go as she pleases. I think if she were on her own in the wild because she of her outside experiences she could sustain herself on mice and those type of things (she’s always bringing them into the house) but it would mean a much harder life for her. If she would end up in the pound I’d be surprised if anyone would take her as she's just a plain tabby and as I said not very affections. She's a fat cat and despite her being so standoffish once she gets to know you can be quite loving but people won't take the time to discover this and I think it would probably be hard for her to find somebody to adopt her. But as heartless as it might seem I'm not worrying about seeing her to the end of her life, I don't think cats miss or rely on people as much as dogs. I only have to live at least until the end of my dog's life, as I said three, four, maybe five years if he's lucky and with my older dog gone along with my husband in I am guessing two years he'll be gone.
Addendum: My husband has changed in the last few days. He is reading my blog, I know it. I am paying the price of his very talented mental abuse. In addition to his not speaking to me he is acting different, angry, and his behavior is becoming strange, he is exaggerating and announcing his activities and being nasty. No matter how sick he his this hatefulness is a talent he has learned very well from his stepfather (the same nastiness his sister shares) how to mentally abuse people and knowing me as well as he does he is exceptionally adept at making sure I know and feel when he is not happy with me, he ensures that I suffer during his suffering and right now he is not happy with me "big time". This is going to escalate, I can just feel it in my bones. It is about to get worse her. I’m not 100% sure he’s ready my blog...but something since this morning has made him mean and I will bet money that's its because of my blog.