I just walked into my living room, up the stairs from my basement. Moments earlier I had walked from my living room to my basement. I stood in the middle of the room, looked around, and decided that there was nothing to do there so I walked back upstairs, looked around and decided there is nothing to do up here either, so I’m writing this, not because I want to, not because I’m interested or care about what I’m writing but because it’s something to do other than walk into yet another room only to decide there’s nothing to do there either
What’s really stupid about my saying there's nothing to do is that there "are" things to do, lots of things that need to be done. There are hundreds of mini-projects that need to be done all around my house but I don’t feel like doing any of them.
Right now I have “beer” on my mind. I’m thinking about hopping in the car, going to the 7-11, and buying a 6-pack of Yuengling. I am really fighting the urge. I’m bored and it seems like sitting here sipping on a beer, or two, or six will break the boredom but I just wrote the other day about how I didn’t want to drink for a while, in fact about waiting until my next vacation, approximately sometime in May until I have that next drink… but I have to be honest, I didn’t even make it last night. (See: I'm Not a Drunk) I ended up drinking vodka. All my bullshit talk about resetting my New Year, about being strong and going without alcohol and I still couldn’t make it. Maybe if I hadn't left the house I would have muddled around and made it but my husband was discharged from the hospital which meant I had to go pick him up and since I was out I convinced myself that I needed that drink. Its is still an off day tomorrow so why not?
My husband now home from the hospital. They told me I could pick him up around 3:30 PM and on our way home as I passed the liquor store this time I couldn't not stop. I really wanted a drink and my being on the road, out of the house, celebrating the return of my husband all conspired into my obtaining a pint of Popov vodka which I all but finished last night. I went to bed with a pretty good buzz leaving enough for one more drink in the bottom of the bottle and I remember thinking “that can be my first drink tomorrow”, also knowing that if I started with the dregs of that bottle the next day they cycle would begin again. In the middle of the night, actually 2:35 AM I woke up, as I usually do when I drink too much because I never have a good night sleep when I go to bed really drunk, I stumbled to the kitchen half asleep and still groggy from my drinking I popped a Xanax because now I was not only feeling miserable for breaking my rule but I felt so bad I was on the verge of a panic attack. It had been a nightmare that woke as those usually seem to the catalyst of my sleepless drunken nights. Seeing the almost empty bottle of vodka (perhaps one good swig if I drank straight, but I don't do that, I always need a mixer). Feeling so ashamed of myself for not having the strength to keep even a promise to myself I poured the rest down the drain of the kitchen sink, I was so disappointed in my inability to stick to my self-imposed sobriety, then went back to bed, knowing that the next morning I would regret that action when I would once again contemplate running to the store for that quick bottle since I had once again broken the ice.
So here it is, the next day around 4:00 PM and my husband is in bed napping, still recovering from his hospital ordeal. My two dogs are laying at my feet sleeping, the house is quite, I’m bored and I really want to have a drink. Why I should care if I drink tonight? I’m off tomorrow. Who is it going to hurt? As I posted yesterday it’s always the weekends and my off days that are hardest for me to go without a drink. I can easily go without it during my work nights because I know damn well that I don’t want to face the next day at work struggling with a miserable hangover.
Am I an alcoholic? What do you think? You will say YES! I think I must say YES! I must be an alcoholic! If I can’t go one weekend without drinking then I must have a drinking problem. I haven't even been able to keep a promise to myself and my attempts to start my New Years resolutions early failed. Am I even going to be able to do it January 1st? I'm scared. I don't know if I have the strength anymore. I'm so tired of this.
I do have one advantage and that is the calendar itself. That new beginning on thee calendar is so powerful, January 1 is always the true new beginning, the reset, a restart. I think that what makes it hardest for me to succeed in my "early" New Year resets (In this case November 1st and then again in December 1st) is because it really isn’t the New Year, just a new beginning I imposed in on myself. I am beginning to think that maybe on top of everything else I’m OCD too, it seems like I can never start things in the middle of a week or month, I need a specific start time which is why November 1 and then the alternate December 1 were so critical as starts to self-imposed no drinking rule rather on the days that I made the decision to choose those days, It would be impossible for me to start on a Tuesday or Thursday, I need that formal structure of a measurable beginning. Maybe its just all a lie. I am lying to my myself to have an excuse to drink longer. Maybe like I said, I'm am an alcoholic and stopping is out of my control at this point, maybe I need to end up homeless in the streets, dying in a gutter on some cold winter raining night. But then my dogs! What would happen to them? My poor babies, they need me so much. Without them I am nothing. I have no purpose on the planet. I have a waste of air a life.
Maybe it is as simple as my being OCD and I need to start January 1st like I have every year for the last 6 to 8 years (give or take). January 1 is the ULTIMATE refresh, the renewal, the time when hopes and promises become serious, when the games are of the table and its time to get real. Maybe I'm just making excuses... Maybe ending up a drunken slob wandering the streets is my destiny? The only thing that isn't a Maybe is here I sit; I’m lonely, I’m bored, and I really really really want a drink…