So the other day I deactivated my Facebook account for probably the 10th time in the history of my owning or originally activating the account some 8 years ago. This time there was no particular reason other than I need a break. I'm sick of it. Is it just me or does it seem so much less personal these days with all the advertisements being directed at us? Its rarely about who we are anymore (I'm guilty of this, especially during the election when I was doing my best to support Clinton instead of posting about my life and goings on) but its more about being used as either a political tool or just sharing and re-sharing professionally made videos on things like recipes and how-to-make-it (DIY) projects that ultimately really just turn out to be more advertising. The few personal pictures that people post anymore are either pictures of their lunch or dinner (of course this is nothing new, it has always happened) or sometimes their cocktails, or check-ins to Starbucks or the gym or some other meaningless dribble that even if we do really care about there's some hateful bastard out there just waiting to pounce and attack you for what you post, what you say, or an opinion you hold (Ironically I guess that's what I just did, isn't it?). It seems to me that you can't even share a thought anymore without someone making a negative comment on it. I know I am a victim of many of these types of attacks. I think part of the reason is that I have a weak personality and I'm one of those people that it just seems like its very easy for other people to hate or victimize. I have always been a target for mean people and I think that like the quote of my main page of Saudade regarding the dragon and the abyss is what is happening to me...I am becoming the dragon.
It is so easy to be somewhat aggressive, or maybe I should say passively aggressive through the anonymity of Facebook. I'm sure there isn't a person out there that can say that they have never unfollowed or worse yet unfriended someone out of anger. I say worse regarding unfriending because when you unfollow someone they generally don't know it unless they become aware that you haven't been reacting or commenting to their postings (I think everyone I know has unfollowed me, and honestly before deactivating my account I had pretty much unfollowed all of my friends, except my husband) but unfriending, that can be the ultimate slap in the face. I have unfriended people (generally out of anger) and later I so regretted my actions because not only did I lose that communication with sometimes good people but it really does affect your relationship when you run into them again in real life as well. There are so many things I have only had the balls to say because I have the buffer or the anonymity of Facebook and the further separation of feeling like I'm communicating with a keyboard and not a real person (plus when I have lost my temper and made the mistake of insulting someone or severing a friendship I was probably drinking.) But even now, I'm sober, and I know there are things I am saying even at this very moment that are going to either hurt and/or anger someone. Usually when I say things I don't be its because I am this huge emotional blob of insecure negativity and it is said in the heat of the moment. Often I want to go back and delete it but I feel like its deleting something sacred, an archive of my life, that I'm removing so on those occasions that I do go back and remove something I've posted then I must have been either way too drunk to have been on the computer when I did it or I was in an emotional state where I should have turned off the computer and stopped talking (or typing).
When I found out my husband (then boyfriend) was reading my real "physical" diary (or journal) that I used to keep in the 1980's and 1990's when I would actually print out each page and bother to punch holes in the paper and actually put my private thoughts in a very insecure binder marked "Journal" there was no doubt that he had read some things that weren't meant for him to read, they were personal thoughts that I envisioned maybe someday, 100 years from now, someone would find my diary and actually sit down and read it and think in a way similar to the way we think now when we find an old civil war diary or something like that "Wow! These people live a rough life". But because he was reading my every entry and I only discovered this when one day he used my own words against me I actually bothered to put in a cover page in the front of the book that read something along the lines of "The following pages represent my thoughts and feeling at the moment. If you are reading this these feelings may not be the same and know that by reading this your are betraying my trust so do not come to me afterwards to complain because you are the one that is intruding on my personal life". I can't say that people are intruding when I'm so bold as to post my thoughts in a blog like I do here. The only thing I can hope for is that when I describe my experiences, thoughts, and feelings I remain anonymous and as I pointed out in another posting (one I have since removed because I was actually stupid enough to share my link with people through Facebook bragging about my new blog so they all will know (if they bother to even read it) who I am) and I believe the only person I can say has been reading this blog with some certainty has been my husband.
Regardless of how or where I put my thoughts, whether in a physical journal, whether on Facebook or whether a blog. Not to mention other interactions like email whether personal or professional (I am just a guilty...I really should stop saying this and allow you know just naturally understand that almost everything I write about I am just as guilty and often more guilty of either participating or in contributing to the results) but it does drive me crazy how easy it is for people to misinterpret postings, how easy it is to over-react to comments, and how much animosity these social tools can generate. I will say it again, I am not innocent of acting and reacting in the same way to posts and comments to those reactions by others that upset me. I have participated in a few angry posts so I’m not guiltless and I guess restating this to make it absolutely clear that I know I am the pot calling the kettle black. Its so darn easy to say things to people that you wouldn’t say to them if you were with them in person and that rule about NEVER POSTING AFTER DRINKING (like driving....public service announcement) is so true, that has gotten me in more trouble in more times than I care to remember.
So often a post or repost of something regardless of how controversial (i.e. religion, gay marriage, politics, etc.) that one might have found fun, interesting, amusing, or for any other reason and choose to share with their "friends" can often result in people responding in the most hateful way.
A good example is something that occurred to my husband with the legalization of Gay Marriage and since I’m gay and have been with my partner for some 35 years (as of this writing) I’m pretty happy that the courts found in our favor, though admittedly at first I really didn’t have any interest in getting married, it didn't seem to matter to me, nor did I feel a need to, conform to the hypocritical heterosexual ritualistic ceremony of formalizing a relationship in front of either a deity or government when so many of them cheat and abuse their legal partners; but because it is okay according to their bible and societal norms heterosexual hypocrisy is totally acceptable but to deny the homosexual the same opportunity to lie and cheat under the cover of their "natural ability to reproduce" rights was just something I never found to be a necessary concept. My opinion changed though the more my partner and I would hear about the struggles other gay people are going through because of laws or hateful greedy family members, the more that I think that marriage would be a good thing for us. Not to mention his health issue which desperately needed medical coverage (but my company offered it through non-married unions, straight or gay anyway). There are several family members (that although we practically own nothing at this point) would still chomp at the bits and that's what it would be, "bits" to get at what little we have. This digression has a point…
My partner went to the courthouse and got us a wedding certificate and despite not knowing when we will go through with actually getting married part, he proudly posted it on Facebook, and the next morning there were many congratulatory postings but there was at least one posting from someone that he thought was a friend that said “This is fucking gross, why did I have to wake up to this disgusting shit on my profile”. My partner, now upset by the "nastiness" that this woman whom had for so long made him believe she was supportive, told her that she wouldn’t have to worry about any future postings and deleted her from his friends. Why would anyone that is even remotely a “friend” respond to something as innocent as posting news about the (what is now legal) prospect of two people being legally united result in such a hateful comment emphasized by her nasty language? Why didn’t she simply ignore it? Delete it? I mean even if she was “grossed out” why didn’t she respect the relationship (so called friendship) she had with my partner and regardless of how disgusted she might have felt about our marriage just kept her mouth shut? (My guess is the answer is that she is a “good and loving Christian” because they tend to be the most hateful judgmental not deserving of the good God they worship type people.) You can believe that she could hyper-theoretically post the most disgusting garbage (short of harming an animal) and neither me nor my partner would have ever been critical of her however through Facebook she could show her "TRUE" face to us and now as a result they are no longer associated, obviously a hypocrite otherwise why would she have ever been his friend to begin with, if she thought he was so "disgusting"?
I am amazed about how many double standards there are when it comes to postings and peoples beliefs. If you don't like what people are saying delete the post from your timeline or unfollow the person, you don't have to be mean to them and attack them for all their friends and family to witness them being belittled just so some rude person can show how "devout and moral" they are (of think they are). I am an atheist and frequently my Facebook timeline is barraged with praises to the Christian God most of which I just find annoying…(or to put it in terms that the woman I just mentioned in the previous paragraph did “This is fucking gross, why did I have to wake up to this disgusting shit on my profile?") but never once did have I ever respond rudely to any of these god worshipping sycophants and their postings. Occasionally I will post things related to atheism but never at nausea like some of my Facebook friends whom I know for a fact never step foot in a church or for that matter in terms of the bible and its teachings are some of the most sinful of people one can ever encounter. Whatever happened to the part of the bible that tells you to pray in private and not in public? Oh if you do that you won't get credit from your friends because doing what God says and keeping your prayers and religion personal won't get you the attention you so crave thinking when people look at you they will say "Oh my, what a good God fearing Christian he (or she) is?" because you know in your heart there is no God and you will not be judged by him, but you ARE being judged by each and everyone of your human, mortal Facebook friends and family so those are your true gods, those are the people you suck up to at the expense of your God's wishes. (Wow! Where did this rant come from?)
One day my niece asked me why is it that I would “always” post hateful things about God. I was shocked and responded that what I post is hardly hateful but is my opinion comparable to her opinion regarding a Super Being and his love and care for us. It is simply my (constitutional) right as is hers to share my opinion and my thoughts on the subject. Amazingly my niece (having been raised in the Bible Belt) felt that my random and truly occasional posts were for the most part never hateful to God but simply pointed out the logic of atheism as being “consistent” as well as point out the infinite number of contradictions of her bible. One of my "friends" amazed me by defending my right to share my thoughts and actually told my niece she could always turn off the post notifications or unfollow me. My niece never responded however this is when another (Bible Belt fanatic from my family, I had no idea that these people who never enter a church other than to attend funerals and weddings could be so strongly opinionated when in all honesty other than reposting pretty floral biblical quotes and memes they never even opened the bible) decided she needed to chime in to the conversations with more loving Christian hate.
My cousin’s daughter, born, raised, and still living in a state where creationism is valued as a fact, agreed with my niece's comment but went a bit further telling me that she didn’t “believe” in Gays but SHE never shared her non-belief the way I shared my non-belief in god…(this after hundreds of god loves you memes from her, none of which I had ever responded to the way she was now responding to me. The only way I know how to respond to this Christian hypocrisy and stupidity of her comment ironically is OMG! ("Oh My God" for those not up on that acronym... I'm sure there isn't anyone that doesn't know what it means.) I tried to be civil and explain to her on average I received anywhere from up to 50 or more God referencing posts per day and my very few, one or two, atheist posts per week were hardly worth turning this into a personal attack (personal because again, I am gay). If she hadn't have attacked my life (which I have lived longer than she has been alive) and yes this is about my life because being gay is what I am and is a part of me and she just told me she doesn't believe in me (or my freedom) to being gay. Now a bit angry I asked her “What do you mean you don’t believe in Gays? We are real, we are here and we can prove that we can exist…can your imaginary God prove he’s real?” (Now mind you these interactions were made while sober, I was not drinking). Her response was to delete me as a friend. I mean come-on! Facebook interactions just caused a family member to “disown” me, to sever her relationship with me, as I described unfriending earlier as the "ultimate slap in the face". It seems to me that sharing who you are and your beliefs is supposed to be an important and fun part of the Facebook experience but apparently our "friends" only tolerate our uniqueness if our thoughts and beliefs agree with their thoughts and beliefs and in all honesty I find the most vile and hateful attacks are usually limited to the most judgmental of people, Christians.
One might think that Facebook would bring us all closer but more often than not it divides us. Recently someone I am having personal issues (believe it or not issues that did not result from Facebook but are being settled within Facebook) with a person that resulted in their referring to me as a SNAKE in a very public Facebook post and my response (I was drinking when I responded which is just further confirmation that you should "NEVER post when you are drunk!") and this whole debacle led to my losing several other friends that either were his friends to begin with or simply agreed with him over me but adding insult to injury (or is it injury to insult?) I was banned by a new iteration of the same social group…a real life social group that I originally created and spent years directing! This is another whole story that deserves its own posting. I admit now, I was not right in any of the whole situation but I was not totally wrong either but apparently the new leader of this new group felt that because of my public outburst through Facebook that not only I (or is proper English "me"?) but my partner too (he was banned as well). I think that this new guy really banned us out of his own insecurities because I successfully ran this group for many years and it was because of this group that hundreds (no joke - hundreds) of people were no either friends or associates and in a few rare instances romantic partners in relationships (at least one led to marriage). I think the little man that tried to reinvent the group considered us a threat for some reason, maybe to the existence of his new group knowing that people might still confuse me as the leader which believe me is not something that I wanted to do at this point. I was done with leading the group. The truth of the matter is had I not been drinking the very public SNAKE comment to over 400 people might not have caused me to respond the way I did, but honestly I think they (the person that made the comment) was also drunk (as he, like me, can be known to put some away during an evening of drinking) when they posted their nasty comment. I just know that I would have and should have been able to control myself if I hadn't been drinking that night. I'm really being unfair to Facebook as I really can’t blame the app for these situations and as they say in court (altercations) because in all of these examples I’ve given you can see that its the response of the people that led to the resulting animosity (and sometimes alcohol influenced), nothing that Facebook did but it is Facebook’s existence that causes so much strife and issues not just between individuals and family members, but communities, nations, religions, and lets face it, the whole damn world.
During the months my profile was deactivated and even later when I reactivated it I found many discussions by others as well as other online blog postings and comments that many people had similar experiences so these problems while mostly a result of Facebook interactions (sober or drunk) are not unique to me. I wish there was a lesson to learn here but as you can see by the very first paragraph of this posting my way of handling is to have once again deactivated my account until further notice.
This is a reprint and edit from my Wordpress.com blog originally published: May 13, 2013