So my husband admitted to me today that he has been reading my blog and I told him I knew. I know him too well, you can’t live with someone 35 years of your life and not notices changes in their moods and actions and boy did his moods and actions change. For days now rather than just confront me about it he has been mean and heartless. Sniping and me and treating me with sarcasm and anger. He told me over the phone while I was at work and as he told me he started crying. He said he couldn’t understand why I felt the way I do and I responded by explaining that I he was making our lives together impossible. Before he read my blog he was acting like a helpless old man asking me or having me do everything for him as if he were helpless and treated me like a servant. And after he read it he became this angry sarcastic mean person that did and said everything he could to make me feel as bad as my blog posts had obviously made him feel.
I have said before and I will say I’m not a good person. My husband loves me, this much I know, but he has become accustomed to me, the type of passionate love that two people have for each other has long faded. I love him, I do. I’m sorry I hurt him and I felt even worse when he told me that the part that hurt him the most was when I said we were “just roommates that happened to be married.” The truth is he is not very happy right now but neither am I. He wants to be able to do things again, I know that much is true, he doesn’t want to just sit and wait for death but that’s what he does. I know that there is nothing more he would like to do then go back to his days of shopping the Good Will stores and clearance items at departments stores, looking for bargains to post on eBay the way he used to do, he would love to go out to his shed and straighten it up, move things around and just be productive but instead he’s so afraid that his defibrillator will go off he opts to sit and wait, doing as little as possible to agitate his heart. Its sad for me to see the once productive man I knew whither away, afraid to live because death is so close.
I in turn am becoming depressed. My anxiety attacks have started again, I’m sad, and I’m tired. I want to die, but I don’t want to die. I just want this all to be over but I’m so afraid of the process of dying. At the same time I want to live, I want us to do the things we used to do, I’m so tired of the two of us sitting here like Edith and Archie. This is no life. If there was a painless way to go, a way that I could just lie down and go to sleep and never wake up again I would do it. Sure there are pills, I could swallow a whole of something and unless they make me deathly sick would probably serve the purpose but then there is the problem of me dogs and my dogs need me. I'm sick and tired of this life I'm sick and tired of everything involving it. Sick and tired of going to work. I'm sick and tired of my house. I’m sick and tired of the weather, too hot or too cold and any happy medium seems to be gone in an instant. I'm sick and tired of my husband. I'm sick and tired of politics and the mess that the Orange Hitler is going to create. I am sick and tired of everything. The only thing I'm not sick and tired of his my dogs so no matter what I need to see them to the end of their lives, to make sure they have their safety and security until the end and then I can lay down and die. The problem is how do I die? I mean what's the easiest way to kill oneself? I don't want the process to hurt, I don’t want the pain that surely goes along with death. I am so afraid of the pain and not the dying. I don’t believe in God or an afterlife so I don’t give a shit what happens to my corpse when I’m gone. Whether it ends up in the ground, or in ashes scattered to the wind, whether it’s donated to science or even used as a crash dummy, why should I care? Why should I care what happens to this shell that houses my personality, once we are dead we are gone.
Its seems like an easy way might be by hanging myself and actually seems to be the best way over taking pills. I mean think about it, pills might cause a heart attack and then we are dealing with the pain that causes me so much panic in life. I don't want that pain of a heart attack? So what’s next? Cutting one’s wrists and slowly bleed to death? Ugh the pain to the wrists and slowly watching the blood pump from your veins out onto the floor on in the tub, where ever one would commit the act. That seems very scary. I just know I'm ready to die. Once my dogs are gone there is nothing left for me. I just lost my eldest dog and I’m adjusting to only having two, two beautiful German Shepherds that need me. My female shepherd will probably pass in the next 6 months to a year maybe two years if she's lucky and then there’s the younger one who has about 4 to 5 years left.
It would be easiest if I go first before my husband because he will get my life insurance and pension from work. But the drawback is If I go first then his sister gets everything one way or another, I believe she will end up putting him in a nursing home because she won’t want to deal with the problems that come along with a needy brother with heart issues. If my dogs outlast me I’m sure she will make sure they end up in the pound. They would just be too much trouble for my husband to handle on his own. I don't want to sister to get everything because she has enough already. Once she rids herself of the problem of the dogs and lock up her brother she will get a power of attorney and make sure that any pittance she she can get out of the sale of our property. Even still, as long as my dogs are gone first it’s best I go first. My husband will be in a nursing home and she can go visit him and kiss him on the cheek once every week or once a month and tell him she loves him, until she gets bored with that frequency because he won’t die fast enough for her...then the visits will end up being 6 months apart and maybe just annually, (the way she visits him now, once a year when she “makes” us go to her home for Christmas with more frequent visits now and then when he goes into the hospital for some sort of treatment or procedure which she will use to gain pity from all her friends and coworkers.) Then she and her husband will go out to a nice dinner with the money that she got from selling our house if she hasn’t splurged it on a vacation (a very short vacation) because it won't be that much money it will just be enough to give her and her husband some entertainment.