The following (SURPRISE!) is a bitch session and/or a vent session because for the second day in a row I've gotten home and my husband is just like a zombie, barely acknowledging me. He's sitting in a chair and when I talk to him he doesn't respond just stares off at the TV. He hasn't showered in days, if not weeks, and is wearing the same shirt that he's worn for at least a week and the reason I know this is because I told him to take off his old shirt so I can wash it. He's just acting like an old man, he reminds me of my mother now in her last few years when I used to tell her that she is just living to die. She had given up and so has he, he has no purpose at this point largely driven by fear, he just sits, afraid that any activity will set off his defibrillator and he will be shocked (literally).
He hardly speaks with me and he might be a little high on Xanax because he really is acting like he’s out of it, like his mind isn’t functioning properly. Lately when I come home and he's just sitting there, today for example, I asked him how are you feeling and he gave me his usual response “Fine” I asked him to see how his legs were doing (they usually swell up when he is on his way to Acute Congestive Heart Failure) and he lifted them up so I can see for myself, but didn't say a word. I walked over and pressed on his ankles to see how much of a white imprint it the pressure would leave, the longer the white spot lasts before fading to a normal hue can be a sign that they are swollen and one of them did appear to be slightly swollen. He knows as I’ve told him that I'm fearful that he's going to end up in the hospital over the holidays or over his birthday which is in 2 days. Because the one ankle seemed to give the appearance that it was swollen I put his suppression socks on his feet for him, these are special socks that “suppress” and force the fluids up so its doesn’t settle in his ankles, the more fluid that builds up in his body the more like he is to go into his congestive heart failure will become acute. Bending over makes him breathless and as tight as these socks are he really needs the assistance. I was expecting him to say thank you but he didn't say a word, he just stared off at the TV, not even looking at me, as if I were doing my duty, doing what is my responsibility, as if my caring for him was my obligation, my purpose, to come home from work and care for a man that has been sitting in one position all day watching TV, occasionally staring at his Smartphone to play Soda Crush or to read the postings by his friends on Facebook.
I asked him how do the socks feel on your legs and with a direct question he responds “Fine” and he looks back at the TV no further acknowledgement. He's just being a zombie, the living dead, and I'm getting tired of it. I'm tired of working all day coming home and having this unresponsive person who almost acts like it’s my role in life now to do things to support him, get his water (or ice cubes because he mostly crunches ice to limit his fluid intake), make his dinner, wash his clothes, and put his socks on for him. It’s like I am taking care of an invalid and it really is seriously getting on my nerves so I really needed this bitch session. I need to stop complaining now because it really is doing no good other than giving me the opportunity to vent and when he reads this and I know he will, he will just use it against me.
As I'm walking around the outside of my house with my dogs, speaking to my phone, venting to the only thing that cares to listen I dropped my glasses into the leaves, I actually went under a low hanging branch of a tree that snagged and flung my glasses off my head. It took me 20 minutes on my hands and knees in the cold to find them, digging through leaves, crawling with my pants knees getting wet from the damp ground. When I finally found them and returned to the house I walked in to find the zombie staring at the TV. It was like he was oblivious to the fact that I have been outside for such a long period of time. I told him what had happened and how frustrating it was because I knew the glasses were somewhere and no matter how hard I looked I just didn’t see the them, but finally I found them and I’m freezing, and his response, without even turning away from the TV was “Yeah”... His damned response didn't even make sense, did he even hear what I said? Then his head nodded a bit and he fell asleep… I am so sick of this shit…I know, if anyone is even bothering to read this post you are thinking I’m a horrible person…I should be compassionate regarding his problems, you are probably thinking I am an insensitive pig.
This is later the same day...and maybe I am being a the worst kind of shithead and should understand that my husband is tired, he's sick, I mean he does after all have a horrible heart condition but since I noted in my previous paragraph he had fallen asleep almost in mid-conversation with me (if you can call "Yeah" a conversation) he is still sleeping and it's been a couple hours since I've indicated that he fell asleep I just came outside to walk with the dogs again and one of them started barking as we were going out the back door so he woke up and looked at me and said “Did you make supper?” and I said “No, I did not make supper but do you want me to make you supper, if you want me to make supper I will.” Can you believe that? Not a word to his servant in hours and the first thing he speaks is to request dinner. I guess he expected that his caretaker would ensure there was food put together while he napped and he said “Yeah you can make me a sandwich”. WTF! He’s not an invalid, I was working all day. Why can’t he get off his ass and make a sandwich. Even a 90 year old person can make a sandwich, but he has his caretaker, me, to make sure that his every need is handled.
It's one thing to be expected to do things for your husband once in awhile even more so when they are sick, but he is not incapable, his doctors even encourage him to do light activities, while he was in rehabilitation after his coma last year they made him practice life's activities and a fake kitchen that was set up for the purposes of teaching people how to go back to taking care of themselves so even the hospital made sure he was capable, but he doesn't have to bother, he has me to do what he needs.
When you come home from work to somebody after having gotten up at 4:30 AM and then have that somebody actually ignore you, not respond to you when you talk to them but expect you to do as I did, put on their socks, adjust and clean everything around them to make and keep them comfortable (which includes not waking them from their excessive sleeping) it hurts, and makes you feel like you are being used, taken advantage of as if you were a hired hand.
I asked him “How do you feel? Do you need anything?”. I'm doing everything I can to take care of him but he isn't taking care of himself. You can say "Just stop doing it, if you stop he will have to take care of himself" but its not like that, I have tried, I even put a trash can next to him, a small container for him to dispose of he refuse and once that became full he began leaving the stuff on the table next to him and get this, even started putting his trash in a plant that sits slightly behind his chair. He is perfectly comfortable living like a pig. And my attitude, thinking about myself while he seems to need me so much? "I'm just being an asshole" and his sister will be the first to tell me that after he complains to her when I say to him "You aren't an invalid, can't you do some things for yourself anymore?" She will tell me I should be coddling to his every need because that’s what she expects from and gets from her own husband.
Okay, Bitch Session over, I just really needed to get this stuff off my chest because I have no one to talk to...this blog is all I have.