My husband just woke up believe it or not first thing he did before he even walked out into the living room was went and took a shower. When he came out of the room I asked him “what's gotten into you taking a shower first thing in the morning?” His response “was I need to get clean I don't want to stink this place up”. But it was with all sarcastic he could muster, it was meant in the nasty ways he used to be, sick or not his evilness can still come through and it's all coming back now.
He's reading my blog and he's taking a lot of what I'm saying personally, which I guess a lot of it is personal, so to you my husband, obviously you do not like what you are reading. Just stop reading this! Listen to me right now if you're reading this now, at this very moment, STOP! I am asking you to stop reading this blog just like I asked you to stop reading my diary 20 years ago. It just bothers and hurts you to know the truth, to see you through my eyes. You are being mean and nasty again and I don't like it. Do not escalate this! No one is reading this blog, very few, most of the hits are my own when I come back to reread what I’ve written and I am keeping this anonymous, no one know who we are, so STOP READING THIS!
We are in a good place in this relationship, a happy medium. You sit there and do what you always do, nothing and I will sit here and do what I always do, nothing. We will live our lives to our ends, you or I will die first and the survivor bury the other and then the other will die. There is no other purpose to our lives. We exist to die. Don’t turn this peace it into a war zone now because whether you realize it or not you are becoming hateful again, an ugly hate that shows on your face. A meanness that comes from deep within you, the meanness your stepfather created as he raped and abused you and when those frustrations come out, I’m your scapegoat, you take your anger out on me.
You can’t see how much I love you otherwise why would I have been here for 35 years. Why would either of us put up with the crap that we have caused each other if we didn’t love each other. We are family. So we are not romantic anymore, who needs that crap after all these years. We will be together until one of us dies. I will take care of you but I don't like some of the things that are happening to you lately, and I have the right to express my own anger. I didn’t sign up for being a caretaker, a psychiatrist, a maid, a butler, a chef. I don't like that you sit there like a zombie and don't respond to me when I talk to you. I don’t like that you only half listen to me and answer with words that don’t even make sense, words that show me you aren’t paying any attention to me, making me feel so unimportant, like I’m here just to care for you, other than that my thoughts and feelings mean nothing.
I don't like that it’s like you are coming to expect me to take care of you. I don't like that you bitch about me to your sister. I don’t like that your sister doesn’t like me and only tolerates me for your sake. I don’t like that we are turning into two old men… there are so many things I don’t like and I’m sure you that are so many things you don't like.
I have no one to talk to like you do. Who was it you were texting just yesterday? Which friend or family member is that you have to whom you are confiding your thoughts? Remember my friends, those close to me, the relationships that you attacked and accused me of sleeping with the people or betraying you to them, accusing me of telling the our deepest darkest secrets? Complaining about you? Sure, there were times when I needed to vent and I talked to my friends, just like the friend that just texted you (yes I know that sounds of your text beeps on your phone) but I needed that outlet but because of your accusations and constant complaints I’ve severed those friendships. Who was the person that you were communicating with yesterday while you weren’t talking to me? You know, these questions are rhetorical. I don’t care who they were. Please continue talking to your friends, continue talking to your sister. Get that support you need and deserve and in the meantime I will will and have severed those relationships with my confidants just to make you feel better. This blog is my only confidant, it is my only way of expressing my frustration.
You know feelings change everyday, I might be pissed at you today but tomorrow I might realize I over reacted. The next day I might think about all our years together and think about how much I love you but then the day after I might look at you and think “I’m sick of you”. None of it is real. None of these feelings as they occur matter. What matters is my long term love and devotion to you. I said it before and I will say it again, if I didn’t love you I would not have spent more than a quarter of a century living with you. I would not have spent 35 years of my live with you.
You accuse me of telling everyone everything private and personal and whether you are right or wrong, I need someone to talk to sometimes. When I talk to you, you don’t listen. Like I said when Hyacinth answers Richard on “Keeping Up Appearances” - “Guess who I ran into today?” and her response “Did you dear, how nice.” She couldn’t care less about what he was about to share and that’s the way you make me feel. You couldn’t care less.
I need someone to talk to but I've done what you asked cyber moved everyone from my life there is no one now you should be happy I am back to where you wanted me to be 20 years ago 25 years ago I am back to that place where you own me where I have only one focus in life and that is you and that is the way to him to be until the day you die I love you okay I will take care of you we been together 35 years but I'm asking you to please stop reading my diarrhea because you can't turn my blog because you can't handle it.