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I Am Depressed


I have decided to hold off on discussing anything regarding my husband for a while because he's taking everything so personally since he started reading my blog and he's been on this crazy emotional rollercoaster. He is acting like his world is coming to an end because I shared my feelings in this blog and I'm sorry for that but sharing also seems to have done him some good too because he knows what I’ve been saying is true. He has been treating me more like a caretaker than his husband, someone he could dismiss or ignore as if I were being paid for my services and as such have been treated pretty much like a non-entity, an employee, a slave. Since reading the blog he's been starting to talk to me again and acts like he is listening in return. He is starting to be a little more active, taking showers and being more attentive his body and the house. It’s like he is trying to focus on all the things that I said we're problems in our relationship so maybe his reading my blog wasn't totally a bad thing. I think at first it was a revenge tactic for him because he was doing it all so patronizingly. I’m sorry if he was hurt but I’m happy about the results. I don’t want to mold him into what I think is the ideal partner, we’ve been together too long and we both are already what we are but who he has been lately is not him. I’m tired of just sitting here waiting for death and I certainly don’t want to be his hospice nurse. His emotional pain from reading my blog is forcing him to improve things and even though it’s only in a small way, he seems to be trying to live again, not just sitting. When I talk to him lately he looks at me, he listens to me, and he responds appropriately. He hasn’t been acting like Hyacinth Bucket any more, answering with some nonsensical acknowledgement to appease me until I shut up. (Speaking of Hyacinth Bucket Netflix removed the series, I’m so disappointed.)

So one of my co-workers yesterday said he thinks I am a pessimist and said I'm one of those people that always look on the down side of life and I admitted that I thought he was right, I said “yes I am, I always have been this way” and I always will be because everything that can go wrong for me does go wrong and will always go wrong and that's just the way my life is. (And I know you wonder Mr. and Ms. Christian are saying right now “That’s what you get for not believing in Jeeeeeesssus” and my response to you is that if your “Jeeeeeeesssus” can make people miserable for having the free will that your stupid god bestowed on us then fuck him.) I thought it was funny though the conversation with my co-worker, it came about just because I was a little bit late that morning and he said he was worried about me and my response was “It's good to know that at least somebody gets worried” and he said “You know you don't think people care about you and you are wrong, we think about you.” to which I replied “Well there are probably not very many that care, but it's nice to know that you were worried” and that's when he told me a joke that did not translate well from its Russian origins but I got the gist, something about 2016 being so bad and everyone believing 2017 could only be better but you (meaning me) on the other hand take the opinion that 2017 can only get worse. (sounds to me like he was expressing a Russian version of Murphy’s Law)

It's possible it's going to be a lot worse actually it is going to be a lot worse there's no question about that especially with our new leadership (Hail Der Orange Fuhrer). I am a pessimist, I don't believe in optimism (I’ve tried), I don't believe there's any sense having any hopes or goals or to look forward to happiness because there is always something going to go wrong. Everything that can possibly go wrong in your life is going to go wrong whether it's going to be simple like you lose your wallet or major like your identity is stolen, you will break a leg before that big dancing event you’ve been planning, or you will get a divorce from the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with; you become an alcoholic or your partner or another family member dies, you develop cancer or a heart conditions, you are diagnosed HIV and “Trumpcare” takes your insurance away (but you think “Well at at least it’s a ‘white man’s’ healthcare plan so I can live without insurance”.); you crash your car, you end up the pariah of the world, friendless, or you simply go financially bankrupt and your world comes tumbling down crashing in on itself as you lose your home and all your worldly possessions ending up on the streets something is going to go wrong you can be sure of it and all the optimism and praying in the world is not going to stop it. But take comfort at your losses because “your god has a plan for you”.

Yeah if you're having a happy thought right now I probably just erased that smile from your face and I’m sorry about that but this is my perspective of life. At some point everything is going to go wrong, whatever is making you happy is temporary but take heart that in this moment of happiness you can enjoy it while it lasts.

I admit it, I am depressed and with all my other problems I am sad, perpetually sad. I think about the senselessness of this life we're going through the senselessness of our existence in this world, what a fucking waste of time. Why are we here? I mean other than spitting out babies if you're a heterosexual what is the purpose? Your offspring will just grow up to have more offspring who will live through this miserable existence (even gay people are having babies these days so I guess it's not just heterosexual anymore). They will grow up and make the same mistakes and suffer the same problems that you suffered and they will procreate so their prodigy can have no purpose in life but you will take heart in the fact that there is someone to carry on your name so a part of you will live forever which is something you can count on a bit more than that god you are hoping greets you at the gates along with the hundreds of thousands of other people that have died.

Maybe your child or their child will contribute in a way that makes life better for the rest of mankind and this is a good thing, maybe their existence won’t be as senseless as your which means that your existence after all wasn’t as senseless after all. You yourself may also be so lucky to be a real contributor to the world, someone like Bill Gates or someone else that has created something so wonderful like the inventor of electricity (not Edison I understand) or the car (not Ford I understand) or even someone like the author of Game of Thrones (now there is a brilliant person...he definitely has made life better for all of us with this entertaining world of fantasy). Or maybe you or your prodigy are destined for evil like Hitler, Trump, or Putin. Maybe your grandchild will be another Jeffrey Dahmer or Unabomber? This world however is not a good world, it is a bad place, if there is a hell we are already there people!

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