He is patronizing me now. He took a shower and on his way out into the living room afterwards commenting he doesn’t want to “stink up the place” which was obviously response to my comment about how few showers he has been taking lately. He is further trying to antagonize me by going out of the way to jump and take care of stuff now to the point of exaggeration. I said I need to do the laundry and he jumped up to go sort the clothes, I mentioned I should build a fire and he said “I’ll go down and build it”. He is being and doing everything that is the opposite of what I posted in my blog and in a manner as to be sure I’m aware of his efforts. Does he think that acting this way is going to endear me to him? It is so obvious with every action and every comment it's a mental slap to my face. Doesn’t he realize that what he is doing now is destroying this relationship and he's bringing it about himself. I have no intention of leaving him but I do intend continue blogging as long as it continues to entertain me. I might get bored with it, it’s happened before, it gives me something to do temporarily, something that is different and until I get bored I’m going to keep writing and then he won’t have to worry about what I say or how I feel anymore because I will stop sharing. He shouldn’t know anyway, if it weren’t for my drunken stupidity of posting this new blog and announcing it to so many “friends” on Facebook he wouldn’t know anything about it.
It is January 2nd and I did not drink last night. I stuck to my rule to stop drinking until May and I’m going to do my best to make that resolution happen (of course it’s only 2 days at this point). I'm going to work out again today for the second time this year. It’s going to be a light workout because with my panic issues and my age I don't want to over do it and wind up dying of a heart attack. I can feel that even right now my blood pressure is very high because ever since my husband woke up I have dealt with his little comments about stinking up the house among others. The tension is unreal.
Earlier I checked my phone and I had received a text from him that he must have sent last night while I was sleeping asking me if this is the way I was going to treat him in 2017. What the fuck does that mean? The way I’m going to treat him. I’m not treating him any different, I’m still catering to his every need, serving him when he says “I’m hungry”, helping him put on and take off his shoes and socks. Oh yes, he’s reading my blog and now he “thinks” it’s me treating him badly. It always becomes about him. That’s part of the mental abuse that he’s so good at, making me a monster, I’m always the bad one, the trouble maker, he is very adept at making me feel insecure and bad about myself. We have no life now, we just exists. When I come home from work I try to talk to him, tell him about my day, ask him about his but does he care to participate?. No, instead I live with this zombie like person that sits and watches TV and nods or acknowledges me with some nonsensical comment when I talk to him, something that doesn’t even match watch I said and now he claims I’m treating him bad.
He sometimes treats me more like his caretaker than his husband. He sometimes speak with a shaky voice that sounds more like it’s coming from a 90 year old in a 62 year old body “help me put my socks” or “can you get me some cookies” today however was a new high in regards to his requests to me, he didn't even verbally ask me for cookies he just motions with his fingers just reached his hand out and did a grabbing motion with his fingers opening and closing his hand kind of like he was grasping for something and I'm look at his hands making this motion and I said “What?”(rather curtly) and he said “Cookies”. He expected me to know from grasping motion (I guess he thought was cute) I was supposed to interpret it as he wanting cookies. I told him as I handed him his cookies that I didn’t appreciate his motioning to me like I was a butler or something and he got angry saying “I was just playing”. Playing or not it made me feel like a slave responding to its master. I hate this life! I'm so over this….I'm just done
I'm recording this from my car right now, sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store about to go home. Just picked up groceries mostly what I need lunch for next week but I pick up a few other things, fresh vegetables for my husband’s salads and such but the point of mentioning my location is because I really don't want to go home. The level of nastiness is just so high right now. I get this mix of snide remarks because he is has issues and is unhappy and as a result I’m being punished. I need a break. For the last 6 months it has been hospital stay after hospital stay and in between I feel like I’m being treated like a servant. I don’t mind taking care of him, it’s not the things I do, it’s the way I’m treated as if the service is expected. Yes, we are married and our vows are for better or for worse and I’m good with that, but he’s just so sad, mad, angry, depressed, all the adjectives you can think of to describe a sad sick old man and I’m doing my best to tend to his needs. Taking care of him, going to work, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, taking out the trash, I’m doing everything. It's been almost 2 weeks that I have had off of work and I have spent the entire time pretty much waiting on him and worrying about him. I'm always asking how he's doing. I try to show some concern and let him know that I care.
But since he started reading my blog things are different now. He’s being more active and he’s making negative comments to ensure that I notice his actions. He’s not acting like that weak little old man as much but more like the angry person I’ve become so familiar with over the last 35 years. He is exaggerating his motions, slamming and moving thing loudly, ensuring that not only do I see that he is showering or that he is picking up after himself but that I hear his efforts as well as he narrates his action telling me “Oh, I better not forget my trash” as he walks into the kitchen. The same trash for weeks, no months, he has been leaving on the side table next to his Archie Bunker chair, the trash I’ve been cleaning up, the dirty glasses I’ve been putting away, food stuffs that he dropped around his chair I’ve been crawling on my hands and knees to collect, his dirty napkins, empty candy wrappers (I could go on and on) and I to all this usually before I go to work when I get up around 4:15 AM to care for the dogs and shower all before he is even awake. He goes to bed much later than I do so the best time to clean up his mess is before I got work while I’m feeding the dogs.
Maybe I shouldn't be saying the things I'm saying but I'm just fed up and I'm tired and I'm ready for things to be different and or end. Sitting in my Edith Bunker chair next to him as we both wait for death. It’s January 2nd I can't drink anymore so don’t have that release anymore, nothing to help me deaI with the anxiousness I start to feel while he sits there like a 90 year old man staring off at the TV, not speaking, only to pick up his phone now and then to look at Facebook or respond to a text.
When I asked him if he wanted to go to the grocery store with me, trying anything to ease some of the tension in this house he looked at me tearfully and said “I don't want to bother you with something like that I wouldn't want to trouble you too much.” What the fuck! So I became angry at again what I feel is a mental attack. I told him I didn’t need him to go, he could just sit here like he always does and I went to the grocery store and as I noted a moment ago, I’m sitting in front of the store now, groceries in the back of the car. I've got to go home I’m just dreading it right now. Maybe I’ve just had too many days off work? I know when I walk into the house he will be sitting the same as always, in front of the television set in the same chair doing absolutely nothing, having probably just finished reading my blog giving him more ire towards me so he can punish me with more snide comments, and yes I know I’m bringing this all on myself by keeping a blog.
He is really playing the mind games with me and now because he is hurting because he read my blog he is talking as if he's being abused or hurt or something to that effect all sad and somber. He deleted his Soda Crush game something he loved to do in between his TV and Facebook, he would play all during the day while I was at work and suddenly within the last few days he stopped and when I remarked about it he just said “I deleted it, along with a few other apps” I’m not a fool, its because I mentioned how much he plays Soda Crush Saga earlier in my blog. He has literally been playing that game for years and he suddenly decided to delete with no explanation. Knowing that it was response to my blog I asked him anyway because he is not admitting to me that he is reading my blog, he's just acting like a hurt soul so when I asked me today why did you delete Soda Crush he said “I can find better things to do with my time.” As he sits there and watches TV, crunching on his ice he says can find better things to do with his time. Yes this is yet again another mental attack on me. Passive aggressive. His way of saying “Yes, I know what you are saying about me and I’m reading your blog” without actually saying it.
So I started working on one of the many mini-projects I have to do around the house, and in this case it’s painting the door trims in my bedroom. I have already painted the walls but have been putting off the trim for months. I have to admit that it’s usually the drinking that distracts me from the work and even though it’s only been two days without alcohol I’m starting to be productive again. I still have a long ways to go but this is why the stopping drinking definitely gets more important for me because all the little things that I normally would not do because I would rather sit here sipping on a cocktail I start doing, things like the painting of the closet bedroom doors that have been on my list to paint for over a year now.
My husband, still reacting to my blog, came in the room and tried to help me a little bit which was nice of him (although his attempt was passive aggressive, and out and out defiance and contradiction to both my blog and how he had been acting prior to reading my posts) while I do appreciate his attempt to finally do something around here I know that this sudden kindness and helpfulness is just an act, his best effort to make me feel bad about my writing. The irony of the whole thing is if his being upset with me for a little while gets him active and productive again, turns him from an invalid to an active member of society again then I’m glad that I wrote the blog. I would much rather have a patronizing husband trying to be helpful than one that is sitting, doing nothing, so weak he is unable to speak and has to motion to me with his fingers when he wants cookies.