This morning my husband is moody and grouchy and his face looks bloated, swollen; he’s complaining that he can't stay healthy. I warned him yesterday, several times, that he was overdoing it. I guess I share the blame because perhaps I should have insisted he stay home and taken care of our business on my own. Its a natural progression, my doing thing on my own, because as his health gets worse and worse I'm finding that I'm being forced to be more independent and having to take on the bulk of our day to day responsibilities but I really wanted a day like our old days, our happy, healthy days when we would simply hop in the car and go for a ride. I had things to do whether he went or not, there were things that I need for projects around the house and we needed more groceries.
When I asked him if he wanted to go to the store with me I followed up by asking “Do you feel up to it? Are your feet swelling? How do you feel? Are you healthy enough? Do you think it will be too much for you?” all the questions I've become accustomed to asking everyday anyway other than "do you want to go" and in every case, every response, he said he thought he was fine. (See: Today was a Good Day!)
Lately he has been very good with maintaining a healthy meal structure and doing things right, by the book, by doctor's orders, however he decided that today he was going to treat himself so when we went to IHOP and he ordered biscuits and gravy, eggs, and sausage I told him to consider that this type of food was breaking all his rules and he said “I deserve a treat every now and then”. Okay so fine but later on and during the day he started snacking around the house. He is supposed to monitor his liquid intake and thinks because his fluid is generally in the form of ice chips rather that water (he crunches on ice all day long) he isn’t taking in that much but I watch him, he goes through several glasses full of ice in the average day and I think all the ice combined amounts to way more than the doctor recommended 24 ounces per day.
Later that night while watching TV he had asked me for one of my bottles of Smirnoff Ice drinks which I reluctantly gave to him saying “You better be careful everything you are doing today is contrary to what you're supposed to be doing” and again he said that he was fine but now with a tone that I'm familiar with as he starts getting irritated with me. I told him I understand that he needs to be able to live once in awhile so one drink is okay, but after he finished the first he asked for a second bottle which I gave him commenting “I don't want to hear about this tomorrow morning”. He was being very naughty in regards to his health and he really should know better especially since he has been averaging hospitals stays at the rate of about 2 weeks per month since September, but he's a grown up and he knows the risks. Today he is grouchy and paying for those actions, or rather I should say I am paying for his actions and he is taking it out on me.
The IHOP food should have been reward enough for his recent hard work but there was other stuff throughout the day along with the constant flow of ice chips and then the Smirnoff Ice drinks which definitely put him at risk. Its not like I monitor everything he eats but because what he eats can land him in the hospital I am definitely aware of his trips to the kitchen and yesterday he was abusing his diet so I did pay attention. He ate a salad, then several pieces of a peppermint holiday dessert that he had made while I was at work (which considering his diabetes shouldn't have happened either) and for dinner finished off his leftovers from breakfast that he brought home from IHOP... but he also ate an avocado or at least half an avocado as he says, a bowl of ice cream and oh yeah and let’s not forget with his IHOP breakfast he had coffee and a full glass of water (additional fluid)... so this morning he's bloated and he’s angry and being mean. He said he has gained 10 pounds over the last 10 days and he doesn't understand why. DUH! I'm sure he gained half of that just yesterday alone as he hasn't evacuated his bowels yet (or in other words taken a shit this morning). He is being so mean to me and of course I told him it’s his own fault, he over did it yesterday and I warned him, and of course this response just angers him more. Now I'm getting mad so naturally express my frustration by sternly saying "Look at all you ate yesterday, I warned you and now your are bitching at me" to which he responds back in anger so now this is turning into an argument and not wanting this day after such a nice day to be ruined (which sadly it is already too late for that because the mood has been set) I say “Please let's not turn this morning into a fighting morning” He continues getting nasty (not to be left without the last word) telling me that I’m the one turning into into an argument. I was just sitting peacefully and this tyrant walks into the room and I'm to blame for starting an argument? Now I am very angry; I was having a good morning before he woke up, enjoying my coffee, thinking about the nice day we had and now we were raising our voices at each other of his own actions. I left the house and I'm outside with the dogs, recording this and starting to freeze, its so cold outside (I know this blog gets weird sometimes because one minute I'm in the past tense then present tense but you have to remember that I record this to Google-Docs as it occurs and then later edit what I've said so when I say "I'm walking with my dogs right now" I am literally speaking to my phone at that moment.) It’s like ice out and my hands are getting really cold but at least its peaceful, I'm away from the anger in the house which by now is sitting is sitting in its Archie Bunker chair crunching ice.
Later when we were both calm the previous day came up again (In an earlier posting called "Today was a Good Day!" when you start to live like we have been living lately, when your partner's health is getting to the point that your life's activities become limited an ordinary day can be so special) and as part of the that conversation I told him he brought this all on himself and reminded him I had said yesterday "I don't want to hear about it tomorrow" (today) and what happens, not only do I hear about it but I get blamed for it. He silently acknowledged my comment but did not admit that I was right. I think he was so angry at himself he just needed to lash out and I'm the only target available, that is of course until he vents to his sister and the whole ordeal will turn to a tale of my being mean to him, he tells her every time we have a disagreement and everything is always my fault, I’m always the monster in the relationship. And if and when it ever comes up she will let me know that he had talked to her, and she will tell me that I am the one to blame for allowing him to eat the way he did, as if I can stop him from eating, she will tell me I have a responsibility to be patient with him because of his health; I'm being difficult and making it harder on him. She will then contradict herself as she tells me I need to watch his sodium intake and I'm just as responsible as he is when he over does it, while at the same time I'm supposed to cow down to him and his wishes. She will remind me about her health condition and her own struggles with sodium and how her husband helps her by eating the same diet as she eats.
My sister-in-law has a different point of marital structure because of the way her relationship works. Her husband stops eating when she tells him to stop eating. He eats what she allows him to eat (of course talking to him that's only when she's around when she's not around then he manages to sneak in a Big-Mac once in a while). He obeys her every word and pretty much does whatever she tells him, whenever she tell him. She thinks just because she can pull the puppet strings on him she can control her husband she expects I can control mine but it's a different world here (we are not talking about Trump and Putin) and he (my husband) can get quite nasty. My husband is in essence the male version of her and I rather than responding the way her husband does by obeying orders often stand my ground. In her world, her husband has been trained to cow down to her as soon as she barks her commands, she is the one that controls the relationship, she is the boss. I do not have and I don't want to have a domineering relationship with my spouse and my husband wouldn’t allow it anyway, he stands up to me as much as I stand up to him. As I said, he is the male version of her and he is perfectly capable of standing up for himself, even when he is in a hospital bed, no matter how sick he will share his feelings when he is angry (and believe me a many a nurse has experienced his ire). My husband is his own person if he decides he wants to treat himself to the point of him killing himself by eating all the wrong foods despite my objections he is going to treat himself and if I press too hard it will turn into a full blown argument.... and I'm always to blame.