I did something last night I probably should not have done. I shared my Saudade blog with people I know! How FUCKING STUPID! This was supposed to be any anonymous blog (I was drinking)
It wasn't a general post. I sent them the link through messenger. I was DRUNK! I should have NEVER done it. (Can you tell by my CAPS and my language that I'm not happy this morning?) I picked specifically the people I shared it with and one of them was my husband. I am so stupid. Some were people that I might consider friends and some not so close friends or at least people that from the outside appear or act as if they are friends until you get to know them and realize they are faux friends (or I guess acquaintances), I shared it with some people that are always commenting negatively on my posts (What was I thinking?) you know, the type of people in your life that serve no other purpose than to cause you pain and misery but its a relationship that is too close to simply end. I also shared the link with one or two relatives, Oh man, what the fuck was I thinking?
I really had planned to keep these postings anonymous so that I could speak freely and with one stupid move have kind ruined the whole purpose of Saudade by sharing the link. I might has well have kept posting on my very public blog that I have been maintaining since 2013. Problem is that I can't really speak freely on that blog without hurting people or causing everyone in the world to hate me so I have even been using this anonymous name and now I’ve pretty much opened myself up to meanness and judgement from those few are supposed to care for me, the same meanness and nastiness that has caused even family members to unfriend me at points just because of my religious (or rather lack of religious) points of view, or my politics which are for me most part about 95% liberal.
I don't know about the rest of you but I find so often the people that are closest to you, those you feel are supposed to care about you can be the meanest and nastiest people, most judgmental, hateful, critical, people (just under Christians who are generally the nastiest people of all). It was bad enough that I was linking some of my pages to my old blog (I've been removing these links) without sharing Saudade to my Facebook account but now I made the stupid mistake of telling everyone to look at postings from my old blog that tie this blog to who I really am.
What's probably even far more stupid is that I'm worried about it, like anyone really reads my blog. I know there are spitters and spatters of people here and there that sometimes take an interest and "like" a post and a few that even follow me but this blog, this intent to speak of my sadness and loss, a blog that I was hoping would be interactive with other people that have had sadness and loss has more or less become yet another journal of my sad existence. Another record of what a boring monotonous life can be like so for those of you that have lives use this blog as a text book of what not to do. Listen to your parents, listen to "some" of what I post. We've been through it and are going through. Our past regrets still effect us. We are living what you can potentially create for yourself. A life and a world full of magic, happiness, purpose, of joy. Or you can end up like me, a 50 something year old man that drinks too much, has panic attacks and longs for his youth, to make up for those things I've lost and done wrong, to have want you have now...the whole world before you.