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A Little Time to Masturbate

Monday, December 19, 2016

As I’ve repeated many times my husband is sick diagnosed with congestive heart failure and he is currently on in an acute state. He has survived 5 maybe 6 heart attacks, at the point I've lost count. He has severe COPD and now diabetes and anemia. Regarding congestive heart failure its confusing because people think that's an instance or an occurrence but the way I understand it once you're diagnosed with the condition then you are considered as having that disease, it’s chronic, when it gets severe and fluid starts to building up in the individual then it is considered  "acute" heart failure or acute congestive heart failure so right now (besides all his other ailments) he's just in his normal state of congestive heart failure which means he is healthy but still has the disease, but at this moment he is not sick.  His defibrillator has not fired which is good because as they have decided that the next time it does they're going to do a procedure called a VT ablation process (Ablation Surgery, December, 2012) and this is going to kill the part of the heart that's giving him problems the belief is that once this procedures occurs the part of the heart that is causing the problems and triggering the responses to his device that cause it to fire will no longer be functioning and apparently one can survive without this part of the heart. Of course such a procedure doesn't come up in everyday conversation, the notion of killing a part of ones heart seems impossible but as all this cardiovascular stuff is becoming a daily part of our existence I am learning a lot and have since being told by the doctors about what the procedure entails have heard about or talked to a few people who have had this VT ablation process and say they have had no heart related issues since. Who knew that so many people have experienced this but at least one personal friend and two people I work with have gone through the process.


I love my husband but lately he is treating me more like a caregiver as he just more or less sits in the same chair every day and does nothing (I've lately come to refer to it as the Archie Bunker chair and like "All In The Family" (All In the Family, 2016) I have a chair next to his separated by a small table that I refer to as the Edith Bunker chair). The good news is that the hospital is starting him on a cardiac rehabilitation program where he will be go 3 days a week. The will make him do like exercise and get him moving again. It's a good thing, it's going to get him out of the house and he really needs to exercise because at the rate he is going now he is going to turn to mush, just sitting in that chair, waiting to die.


We are always together. More so not because of my being on holiday at work. Naturally we have always been together anyway but now its becoming intrusive. There is no getting away from him as he never leaves, never goes out. I'm gone 12 to 14 hours a day traveling to and from and being at work but when I get home we just sit. Today I had to get out of the house for a few minutes because of this constant togetherness, I just couldn't take it anymore. When he was healthy we used to get some breaks from each other because he would spontaneously say “I’m going to the store” and I could have hours of peace and quiet just to be alone, not that he’s loud or obnoxious or anything, it’s just that he’s always here. He experiences an empty house on a daily basis but for me it is always occupied. Now I know that when he's in the hospital I'm upset because he's there and someone could say "Well you have the house alone during one of those many visits" but I don't want him gone. I just want that occasional time to be by myself, to reflect, to type in my blog, (like now at 5:30 AM in the morning having been up now for an hour, I built a fire and I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee. Peace and quiet with Pandora playing soothing music in the background on my TV. My husband in bed. I enjoy this time. Remember time has no relativity in this blog because I just told you I'm typing this and in the next paragraph I'm going back to referring to another tense as much of what I have in this blog is recorded to Google-Docs in real time and I edit and interject comments later.)


Just now (see my reference above about time not being a factor in my blog posts), before going outside to get away from him I said to him I was going to go lay down and take a nap (I really wanted some alone time, we had been sitting in our death chairs for hours and I needed a break...just to be alone) and first thing he said was “that sounds like a good idea” meaning he was going to join me in the nap. It wasn’t so much a nap that I was as just getting away from him for some solitude. I have to admit (and I know that I am about to sound like a real pig right now) but I had an alternative motive too, I kind of wanted to masturbate. You are probably saying "Wait a minute! That definitely is TMI", or "too much information" I know it and I'm sorry if this admission bothers you but I never have that type of alone time anymore. You have to understand that having been  together 35 years sex is not a thing that we do very often in fact we haven't had sex in years, many years (think about how often your parents might have sex these day...then again maybe better not as that is not only a disgusting thought but probably a little disturbing as well). More or less we are two male roommates at this point who are legally married, I don't think either of us is really interested in that part of life each other anymore. And as with my reference to your parents this is no different than many heterosexual couples this isn't a is a gay thing, You always hear older people or people that have been together for many years saying that this part of their life, sex, is just not that important anymore but I’ll bet you if they were to be asked separately, alone, privately they would admit to masturbating, and there is nothing wrong with masturbation. I love my husband and I personally don't feel the need for that type of intimacy with his anymore (and it doesn't help that in his current condition he rarely bathes).


Masturbation for my husband is a concern too. He told me he's even afraid to perform any sexual activity, even by himself, he worries the excitement of ejaculation could cause his heart to beat too fast leading to his defibrillator firing so he is actually avoiding masturbation. It must be so frustrating to want to do it but to be frightened of it. You can seen why there is so much tension in my house these days, its just not a happy place. 


The difference between he and I is that he has all the privacy time in the world while I’m at work, so if not for the fear you can be sure he would as some point during his alone time masturbating. he just doesn’t want (and who can blame him) because he's afraid it could kill him. I don’t envy him all this lonely time because I know it has to be boring for him, just sitting around watching TV and waiting for me to come home from work only to have me go to bed by 7PM because of my 4:00 a.m. wake up time for work. I guess for him just having another human in the house makes a huge difference because he certainly doesn't use the time to talk to me. Silence. Even when I'm here there is nothing but silence with the TV playing in the background... the same routine. "Judge Mathis", "People's Court", "Mama's Family" and then if I don't go to bed "Jeopardy" followed by "Wheel of Fortune". I'm rarely up beyond Pat Sajak and Vannah (Vanna?)


This posting probably sounds horrible and if you are prudish, religious, asexual, or just a person that thinks such topics as masturbation should be private you will probably this this is nasty but understand in no uncertain terms I wanted to go to bed and to put it crudely “jerk off”, then roll over and take a nap. Of course I could go in and just take a nap, and he would join me, but I don't see any purpose now. He doesn’t need a nap, he sleeps to 9 or 10 AM every morning, what he needs to do is walk around the house. He needs to work his legs moving a little bit, get some exercise. He fell asleep early last night and slept at least 3 hours longer than I did this morning and since he’s been up be has been sitting in the same chair. He doesn’t move around very much at all unless he's going to the kitchen to get ice chips or a snack and half of that time he asks me to get it for him. I made him his coffee, made him his lunch, I helped him put on his socks (suppression socks), I'm doing laundry, I'm tending the fire, I'm cleaning the house, I'm caring for the dogs. I am doing everything and he is just sitting in the one place in his chair, only been up for a few hours and now that I want to have some alone time (to "nap") he wants to join me.


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