It’s warmer outside today, still very wet but gosh it has to be at least 10 to 20 degrees warmer than yesterday. It was freezing outside yesterday and it rained most of the day which just made it that much colder. It's about it's about 10:40 a.m. in the morning and my husband still in bed. I spent the morning updating my blog and just came out with the dogs but before going out for our stroll I went to the bed to make sure my husband was still breathing. I frequently do this nowadays because I'm always fearful that one day I'm going to walk in there and find that he is no longer breathing.
I mentioned the other day that after nearly a decade of being panic free I am starting to have anxiety issues again. I came home from work the other day and I was fine the entire drive. I stopped at the grocery store and then the liquor store...yes I did pick up some liquor even though I'm supposed to be on myself imposed period sobriety, my early New Year resolution that originally was to begin November 1st and then after failing that deadline I changed it to December 1st, which obviously, today being December 18th, I failed. When I got back in the car I suddenly felt what I thought was a chest pain, that's when the panic began again, I don’t even know if the pains are real or my imagination anymore, I can’t even say whether it was pain or pressure or nothing at all but my fears running out of control but I immediately went to that fight or flight state and still had to drive all the way from the store to my house.
The anxiety increased as my imagination ran wild… was this finally going to be the real thing? Was this the heart attack I have been expecting for the last 30 years of my life? I called my husband using the Bluetooth car phone system and told him I was in a state of panic.
I need to learn how to control these thoughts, these fears, they are getting to the point where they are becoming a daily event. I'm determined that I need to learn when these attacks occur I'm being stupid, they are all in my head, they are not real. I can have another episode like I had after the recent incident at my job when my blood pressure shot up to 170/120 and my pulse rate at rest was 150. My boss and coworkers called the paramedics and by the time they arrived I had calmed down but they wouldn't leave until after my pulse rate went to under 120 and still they wanted to take me to the emergency room but I refused to go.
But what if this is a real heart attack? My mind starts reeling with thoughts like “Who is going to take care of our dogs?” I remind myself that if anything happens to me my husband will receive all kinds of insurance money and my pension from my job so it really is best if I go first because should he be first I will end up so financially strapped what with burying him and paying for a funeral (I think I will lose his SSI too), not to mention the emotional impact of losing the person with whom I spent the last 35 years. But then again there are disadvantages to my going first, while he would be financially cared for if I go first I don’t believe that he would be physically able to care for the dogs and maintain our house by himself, he just would not have the stamina anymore. My goal at this point is to live long enough to see my dogs through to their demise then I simply don’t care anymore. I can go right after the dogs are gone as long as it’s not painful…I’m so fearful of a painful death, I’m not afraid of dying, just the pain that might go along with it. I hate this life, I'm so tired of it all. I truly belief that our existence on this planet is a curse and not a gift, I think the religious nut jobs of this world have it all wrong, but that’s a whole different topic that should be saved for another night.
So ideally the best thing would be for me to die first so he would be able to continue his life pretty normal that is if he can keep his sister out of the mix. My guess is she would take over immediately, she would get rid of the dogs as quickly as Trump would get rid of the Muslims, regardless of my husband’s wishes or ability to care for them. Of course she would “never” permit my husband to live with her because it just would not be socially acceptable, I mean having a brother walking through her home in his dirty underwear connected to an oxygen tube…nope that would be totally unacceptable so I’m sure shortly thereafter, as soon as she could finagle it she would ensure that he would be declared incapable of caring for himself and have him committed to permanent nursing care. There would be no profit in it for her in regards to either of our houses because we are under water in both so my guess is unless they (she and her husband) are able to flip the houses they simply allow the properties to return to the banks that hold the notes. The rest of our junk she would sell at an estate auction so she and her husband could go out to a nice dinner or take a weekend get-away.
I’m sure she does love her brother but I think her social status far outweighs that love. He is beneath her social status, we are some of the poor trash of the family (but not the poorest), that is why she tends to relate more with those few members of her distant family that have money in the bank over her brother whom she only sees annually at Christmas. Regarding the rest of her family, the more wealthy and financially comfortable side, these being her aunt and uncle whom she calls mom and dad and her cousins whom she calls brothers and sister, she visits and socializes on a regular basis, attending their birthday dinners, family dinners and other event. She hasn't done more than call her brother on his birthday for years and unless we receive our royal decree to attend her annual Christmas gala or she comes to see him in the hospital during his numerous stays she won't step foot in our house, I think its been three years since she has graced us with her presence, and she only live 10 minutes away.
I have to be fair and consider she has her own health issues at this point, and between the two of them it's a race as to who will go into the ground first but my bet is based on bank accounts and ability to obtain the best care available my husband will die before she will, but that too is a conversation for a future post. But should my husband die before her, which I'm sure will be the case, well lets just say that once my husband is gone I will never see her again anyway so my 35 year relationship with her will end after she holds a big social wake party at her home so that his death will be all about her sorrow…I will be an afterthought. I will be an annoyance that she will have to deal with until she closes her front door behind me before saying good-bye to the last of the guests that will hug her and offer their sympathies. Then she will close the door as they leave and that will end yet another fabulous party.