I don't drink all the time but when I do drink I tend to drink way too much. I am pretty sure that I am what would be called a "binge drinker". I used to drink an awful lot, almost every night, when I was younger. Its too hard to keep up that stamina now but let me tell you there was a time when I it was not unusual for me to drink every night, there wasn't an event or dinner that I wouldn't attend that if or as soon as they offered alcohol wouldn't avail myself at the first opportunity, be one of the first to flag a server or be first in line at the bar. I'm happy to say that I don't drink that much anymore, at least I'm not getting drunk every evening, I try to limit my drinking to the weekends. There was a time when I wouldn't go to bed without even a slight buzz. Unfortunately though if I don't have to work the next day all bets are off.
Honestly, I'm getting too old for this type of drinking, even the weekend stuff. I just can't maintain that level of alcohol and still function properly the next day. You know that old "AA" adage, "Sick of being sick and tired". Well that's pretty much where I am. I don't drink on work nights anymore because I am I can't bear the thought of going to work with a hangover, feeling groggy, not being alert, trying to pretend that I'm focused when all I have on my mind is going home to greet the "hair of the dog". So I pretty much limit my drinking to the weekends. There is still the occasional dinner when I'll order a beer if we happen to go out (me and my husband, we don't go out socially much anymore so generally on those rare occasions when we do go to dinner its usually just the two of us), but with his health and diet restrictions limiting what he is allowed, his selections are so finite, our dining out nights are few and far between (if that's the right way of saying that, can never remember if the few or the far comes first).
I am in my 50's now and I guess I started drinking around the age of 16, (started smoking about 13). When I was young the drinking age became legal in my state at 18 so before I was legal I was one of those bad boys that managed to get a fake ID which I ordered it through an ad the back of a magazine (back in those days the ads in the back of a magazine were similar to searching the Internet when you were looking those odd and different items (porn, pranks like exploding cigars, build your own working helicopter, or he "how to get rich schemes" like raising earthworms, (seriously there were ads that would tell you that you could make thousands of dollars raising earth worms)) and luckily for me when I got ID that arrived in the mail weeks later, my state had just changed the look of its drivers licenses so I remember hearing comments if and when I was carded of "Oh, this must be one of the new licenses" and I just smiled and said "Yes, I it is". At that time I was like most youngsters (sorry if that word seems derogatory), I wasn't "overdrinking" unless I was partying with friends, mostly to show off, and since I was a "gay" youth and although not a looker, I was not ugly either, (just an average looking guy - especially compared to the young gay men of today who can and do openly take pride in their looks, in those days men could be considered attractive but was one of those topics (that unless you were a teen-idol) when without saying). Because of my looks and youth I didn't have too worry too much about money once my ID got me into the gay bars where I would spend many of weekends drinking Heinekens usually through the generosity of elderly gentlemen (laughingly when I say "elderly" they were in their 20's and 30's) that wanted to get into my pants (plus at that time there wasn't the competition of other gay youths like we have today, being an average joe I could never have competed under the same circumstances today, another difference being I think it is extremely less likely that a 16 year old could get away with getting into a bar today, even with a fake ID). But regarding the drinking itself, at that time I was still a "sipper", I would nurse one or two beers all through the night so I didn't get drunk "much", of course there were those occasions when I got smashed, but usually left at the end of the night with only a slight buzz. (I have to smile when I remember one night when the bartender told me I literally had a 6-pack of beers in the cooler had already be bought and paid for by a number of men waiting for their chance to talk to me when I would thank them, which I rarely did... but oh how wonderful it would be to be wanted like that that now.)
During my 20's I became even less of a drinker than I had been in my teens. I could take it or leave it, and often would leave it. If invited to a dinner and given the option of a drink with my food, (a wine or any other alcoholic beverage), I would generally drink a coke or some other soft drink over an alcoholic item but by the time I was in my 30's I would routinely opt for a beer or something harder, every time. In the beginning, Alcohol was "okay", I remember at first not liking the taste too much and knew that I was doing it only to keep up with the Joneses, to be cook, I couldn't understand why people drank it as much as they did. During the 1980's my partner (boyfriend then...now husband) and I would generally spend a lot of time at his sister's house because she had a homemade bar that was always fully stocked, plus she was quite the partier and hostess herself, and I would guess it was during that time that my drinking escalated. There was just way too much partying but hey, I was young and that was my time to play, the weekends being an alcohol free-for-all but once the weekend was over so was the drinking. (See: I'm Not in the Mood for Her Tonight)
When I started drinking more routinely, you know, every evening popping open a beer, a product that by this time had generally become a stock item in our refrigerator, I became (and probably should still say I am) a functional drunk (there were those now rare occasions when I might imbibe on a work night which I tend to avoid doing these days). I used the word "functional" because I would manage to go to work everyday, missing a day here and there occasionally after those nights when and if I chose to drink until 3:00 AM or 4:00 AM which was essentially something that began occurring with the advent of the home PC (Personal Computer) when you could spend hours and hours on end in an America On-Line (AOL) chat room, and on those nights (which almost always involved a beverage by my side) I was drinking and simply forgot the time. Stumbling into bed at 4:00 AM made it impossible to think about getting up at 6:00 or 7:00 AM or such and even more impossible to think about facing a long 8 hours at work but as I said, those days even with the AOL distraction were still rare, I almost always went to work, hungover or not I generally made it to work everyday.
Of course by my late 40's it was harder and harder to drink the night away and still go to work so as my call-in's increased I made the conscious decision to hold off on the drinking during the week and only drink on non-working nights, that is, unless there was an event during the week, you know, a dinner with friends, a get-together or such, any kind of social distraction that would give me an excuse for breaking the rule, then having a valid excuse for drinking, I would simply drink with no regrets or limitations. These "events" allowed me the opportunity that should I have had too much the prior night the next day I still went to work but could admit openly to my co-workers... "I'm not feeling so great today, I went to dinner with friends and had one too many" and of course would usually get a response of something similar to "I know about those nights" or "I hear ya" as they sympathized and could identify with my situation.
Now I'm in my 50's and I know without a doubt that I have a drinking problem. I am no where near the point that I would go around telling people especially in a group setting like Alcoholic Anonymous where members stand at a podium and bare their hearts (I say that as ironically as I openly expose my life here on this blog). The fact is that I still drink and I don't want to give up drinking. I have reached the point that when I think about drinking I find myself wondering "Why? Why do you want to have a drink?" and at least "for now" can often talk myself out of having that first drink. If I do decide to open that bottle of beer or pour myself a rum and coke I can be sure that I will drink until I'm drunk. I will go to bed thinking "I had a good time tonight" which I would vaguely remember when the next morning my mind would be saying "Ugh! Why did I drink last night?" (See: I'm Lonely and Bored and I must be an Alcoholic).
I really don't want to quit drinking, I don't want to give up those social situations (that have become rare occurrences) where I stand around sipping on a beer or a cocktail (even if these days its usually by myself in the living room of my house) but at the same time I don't want to drink anymore. I like the feeling of getting drunk but I don't want to drink anymore. Every year as a New Years resolution I make a rule to stop drinking until a certain event or time and depending on the year and the event (i.e. a vacation, a party, etc.) I usually keep that resolution until the planned event occurs. Last year I went from January 1 until April 15 without a drink so I say to myself "See, you are not an alcoholic, you can quit drinking if you really want to." but the problem is that during those nearly 4 months of no drinks I did think about drinking quite often so it was never truly totally off or out of my mind. There were periods when I would go a few days or weeks and suddenly realize "Hey! I haven't even thought about alcohol in a while" but then I'm disappointed knowing that by having had that specific thought I was thinking about alcohol again, maybe not drinking it, but I was aware of it. It is still important to me otherwise why would I consciously think or care about the thought of alcohol. Just thinking about it means its not off my mind. It really helps having the mindset of saying "You will not drink!" and then its inspiring when I realize I actually had forgotten about it. Its hard to express something as simple as being able to drive by a liquor store on a Friday night and not having the thought of stopping for no other reason than the weekend having arrived.
The first few weeks are always the hardest I will think about and I am very cognizant of liquor when I pass by that store it just mentioned, its signage, its neon Budweiser lights in the window, the people entering and leaving, but I stay strong and drive by, I try to think about my dogs, walking them around the house; about waking up the next morning, a Saturday, not a workday, and instead of nursing a hangover and sitting in front of the TV doing nothing waiting for it to be late enough to start drinking again because the next day is Sunday and my last drinking day before the work week starts; being alert and ambitious, and making plans for the day, not being a drunken slob stumbling to my bed at 9:00 PM, having been unproductive and not wasting a potentially constructive day. Then will come that one day when I will realize that days had passed and the thought of drinking hadn't even occurred to me and I'm disappointed because just having recognized my sobriety makes me think "Now why did I have to think about that?" I know in my heart I want to do it again, I want to get drunk, and that sad thing is that I want to get drunk for no other reason than not having to work the next day.
This year I decided to start my New Year early, rather than wait for January 1st to say I'm giving up drinking until some specific event... I decided that November 1st would be my "New Year" and I would stop drinking until my first planned vacation which is in May however I didn't make it. I got drunk on November 17th, then again on the 18th and finally again on the 19th. FAILURE! I did go 17 days so in that respect I was successful, but so much for my "November" New Years resolution. I reset the clock and said to myself 'beginning December 1st you will stop drinking'. December would be my "NEW" New Year and decided I would stop drinking again and will not drink until my next planned vacation, again, approximately May 5.
Last night, December 2 was a Friday night and I decided that I would write this post because I found myself having a tough time getting through the evening without a drink. I tried many distractions to take my mind off of the alcohol, played on my computer, cleaned the living room, started a load of laundry, etc. but still I had alcohol on my mind, its these damned weekends when it gets hard to not think about having a drink. I was totally alone last night (my husband is in the hospital which will be another whole post in itself) and I kept thinking "Oh what the fuck, go out and buy a 6-pack of beer, have a good time, what difference does it make? You only live once." but then the other side of me was saying "Think about how you are going to feel in the morning? You will have once again ruined your "NEW" New Year a failure (or as Trump would say "a loser") for a second time before the real New Year even began." I though "If you can't even make it one night then you really are an alcoholic and you need help". So I remained strong, fought the urge, made myself a cup of coffee, played "World of Warcraft" on my computer, folded my towels, finished my coffee and went to bed.
This morning as I type this I'm happy to say that I made it through the night, I did not drink last night and I feel good about it. I feel good that I made it through a Friday night, alone, by myself. I was able to distract myself enough that I did not break my rule. Now mind you (and this is sad), if this had been a work-night I wouldn't have even thought about alcohol because I believe (or at least I have convinced myself I believe) I have actually trained myself to not drink, nor think about drinking on work nights, its these damn weekends and off nights that are so hard on me.